Will I Still Love Him?

Sunday Jan. 17 ~

In the movie "Facing the Giants", Grant Taylor asks his childless wife, "If the Lord never gives us children, will you still love him?" At the time, she is unable to answer this question. But after numerous trips to the doctor in one year, all with negative results, she is forced to face the question, but this time is able to say, "I will still love You, Lord. I will still love You."

Those of you that followed my old blog may have read of my desire and prayer for children for my beloved Sunday School teacher and his dear wife. You may have read of the struggle I had, and how I thought I had finally 'let go' of that dream, trusting it to the Lord and His decision.

I hadn't.

In my last post, I told how we've been studying the topic of 'suffering' in Sunday School and Thursday night Bible study, and some of the points we've discussed. Well, there was another one on Thursday besides the ones I mentioned. It was that:

"God has the right, as our Creator, to put us through whatever 'trial' He chooses, and is in no way obligated to give us His reasons (though sometimes in His great kindness, He will)."

During the discussion of this point, Bro. Dennis told of when he and Mrs. Carrie lost their first child. How excited he had been, and then how hard it had been when they had to give it up. All the while he talked he used the same mannerisms and earnestness that he always has whenever he's illustrating some important point he wants us to 'get'. Yet as he looked at each one around the table, including us all in the conversation, there was pain in his eyes, and when they met mine as he went around the table, I could not keep my gaze steady - I could not face those eyes. And I hated myself for it, but I just couldn't; it seemed so... almost heartless to just stare back. He told how the Lord had used that though, and showed him that that baby was really His - He could take it back whenever He wanted; even before they got to see it.
And when they lost the second one, he realized that, though he and Mrs. Carrie suffered, really in a way it was a blessing - for the children. They would never have to suffer pain - they would never know the effects of sin!
Another person made a comment, and the discussion moved on. I glanced back at Bro. Dennis, and then - selfishly - almost wished I hadn't. He was looking down, studying something in his hand, and I'd never seen him look as tired as he did right then. He's become one of my 'Heroes of the Faith', and for a moment I shrank from my own pain of seeing him hurt. I closed my eyes and wished that I could just get up, go outside, and stand and cry with only the stars looking. But I couldn't, and the questions, answers, Bible verses, and discussion was of course still going on around me. I forced my brain back into it's flow, even as my mind rebuked me quietly: "What are all these lessons on suffering accomplishing if you're totally missing the point?! Here the Biblical answers are being presented all around you, and you're stuck back on the subject: suffering! Aren't you paying attention?"
So the Lord helped me to force the whole thought and it's pain aside for a while, and enjoy the rest of the evening.
But tonight I wondered if the subject was still on Bro. Dennis's mind, because in his sermon he brought in alot of the points we had discussed.

Trissy and I went a little early tonight (we hope to do a trio with Lindy, and needed to practice) so I had my car to drive back to our house in. And as I drove, I cried. Because I felt like the Lord had put that question in my mind. All along I'd thought it was just a matter of His timing - He would give them children, but when He got ready. So I was able to 'give it up'. And that was hard enough, but I could do it - after all, they were still coming right?
But what if they're not? What if they don't? Will I still love Him? And I cry because I can't answer that question.

If the Lord chooses to never give Bro. Dennis and Mrs. Carrie children; if He doesn't send Bro. Earl and Mrs. Shannen and Austin back to me, will I be able to stand the spiritual shock? Will I still love Him?

That's scary. Lord help me!