Early-Morning Mumblings

 
Can't sleep, it's past 1:00 A.M., so here is a by-no-means-exhaustive 'About Me' list:

{Later Note: I in no way intended this to be a 'rant' post. I was awake in the middle of the night, and for some reason, facts about myself began rolling through my head, and I decided to write them down. Then I decided to share them. Maybe that was a bad idea, maybe not. But let me make the disclaimer that I am human and subject to flaws! In my list, I freely admit some of them. I am certainly not always right; I'm simply stating how I am. I also mention ways that other people bug me. Please just take me at face value, appreciate my decision to be open, and forgive my midnight eccentricities.}

-The warning, "Don't tell me I can't - I will die trying," is very nearly true for me.
-It is extremely difficult for me to walk away from a challenge.

-If someone, something, or some cause I love is disrespected, criticized, misrepresented, or made fun of, I immediately feel an intense anger, closely bordering on hatred, toward the perpetrator.
-I am fiercely loyal. To people I love, and to causes I believe in.
-However, if an idea is proven false, or a cause is proven unworthy, I will not hesitate to abandon it.
-I am a person of extremes or opposites; I am either 'all in', or 'all out', 'black' or 'white'. I have very few 'gray' areas.
-I don't like to clean; I love to organize.
-I am easily overwhelmed by perceived difficulties, yet do not accept (in fact tenaciously resist) defeat. One of my least favorite phrases is, "give up".
-I am an undeniable realist, and an indomitable optimist.
-I am easily injured (even if the inflicted pain was not necessarily intentional), especially by people I love, respect, or trust, but am also tough and largely immune to others' opinions of me (I sincerely do my best to do what is right - I try to please the Lord, not people. In pleasing the Lord, I hope Godly people will also be pleased!).
-I love easily; I do not trust easily.
-Some of the people groups I am most drawn to are teenagers and folks from India, Russia, Scotland, Brazil, and New Zealand.

-I am not always right with first impressions, but not often wrong.
-I love to meet honest eyes, a genuine smile, and a firm handshake.
-Christian families with lots of children make me deeply happy.
-Physically unattractive people who are outgoing and confident dispite their looks (or lack thereof) refresh and encourage me.
-Purity,
beauty,
chivalry,
meaning, and
victory delight and rest me.
-The happiest years of my life (to date) were 2010 and 2011.
-One of my greatest sources of enjoyment is to give a gift, whether a tangible item or a deed, to someone I love or respect that gives them a true blessing and/or real pleasure.

-I am primarily an introvert.
-I need lots of sleep (like, 9-10 hours/night. Yeah. I'm writing at 2:00 A.M. I don't know.) or the next day is a battle to keep the bad headache and the snappy grouch at bay.
-My two greatest fears are betraying another's trust, and receiving physical violence.


-When I am very happy or sad about something, I passionately talk about it/obsess over it for a while, then slowly put it away when I sense that it's beginning to get old for the people around me; but I don't forget it.
When I am a-step-above-very happy or sad about something, or when I am particularly moved or awed, my emotion seems to rise to such a pitch that it cannot be expressed, and so I become extremely calm and my body gets very still and quiet, except maybe for a smile (kindof like a fuse box that is overloaded until it can't take anymore energy, so a breaker flips and the whole chunk just stops, I guess). I never talk about those moments.
-Similarly, I am enthusiastic, passionate, and vocal, but rarely, if ever, reveal the deepest parts of my feelings about the subject.
-Often for me, "a smiling face hides a crying heart".
-I can put on a good bluff, for a while; then there comes a point where the pressure must be released. Yeah... I always hope I'm alone when that happens.

-My word is of extreme importance to me. I will rarely tell someone, "I will..." do something (there are always unforeseen variables that could/might prevent me from keeping my word. Instead, I tell people, "I will try to...," or "I will do my best to...," and then I do.).
-Implications, hints, messages 'between the lines', outright lies, 'beating around the bush', 'grayed', 'stretched', or 'twisted' truth are confusing, discouraging, and angering to me. I am bold (sometimes blunt - a fault that needs softening in me), upfront, and honest, and naively expect others to be as well.
-I try to keep my mouth shut if I'm not invited to open it, but if you ask me what I think, I will tell you; don't ask me for my opinion, unless you want it. 

-I am very practical, literal, and logical; for me, things must have a good reason, a point, a significance, a means to an end, and that end must be worthy of the time, resources, and attention it is getting.
-Surface relationships and/or conversations typically bore and sometimes irritate me (for example, two friends are discussing their favorite animae characters, and I'm thinking, 'How is this going to matter twenty years from now? Five years from now? A week from now? Now?'). Others' obsessions over trivial, petty themes, fads, subjects, or hobbies tends to disgust me to the point of unkindness (another of the many faults I am trying to conquer: insensitivity).
-I am indescribably frustrated by others' holdings to incorrect opinions or beliefs, trivial as well as significant (as varied as 'how a particular word is pronounced', 'what year a certain event happened', 'to what extreme Christians should take modesty', or 'whether Jesus Christ is the only way to Heaven'). I have an itching, demanding desire to change their minds; not for the sake of proving I am right, but for their sake of becoming right, and for right's sake of being correctly interpreted. 
-Open, honest, deep, meaningful, respectful discussion or debate excites and fulfills me. Even if neither side is 'won over'; as long as the conversation is for the friendly purpose of sharing ideas and encouraging growth, I find it extremely enjoyable.
-On the other hand, I hate antagonism and confrontation.

-I am infuriated by 'Christians' who aren't (people who claim to know and love Christ but then don't live like it - doing, saying, and thinking deeds, words, and thoughts that either are clearly spoken against by the Bible, or are fundamentally contrary to the principles of true Christianity).  
{Later Note: I'm not hating on anyone. I just ask that, if you are not going to act like a Christian, don't tell anyone you are one - it make's it so much harder for those who are sincerely trying to live what they say they believe about Christianity}.
-Gossip disgusts me.
-Assumption-makers and uninformed critics anger me.

-The foibles that most often irritate me in others are usually strikingly similar to my own biggest faults (disrespect, insensitivity, a quick temper, discontentment/unthankfulness, short-sightedness, trivial pursuits, laziness, selfishness, inconsistence, etc. etc.). With Christ's good help, these are being pointed out to me, and we are working together to eradicate them.

Well, now that that's out of my system somewhat, I'll go back to bed and see if sleep will come. Good night, and

Soli Deo Gloria!

-Kyrie<><

Spring Break - 2016

Spring Break has been lovely this year. I have enjoyed 'life' so much these last few days. Not that I don't enjoy my life anyway; it has it's downsides and it's hard times, certainly. But I really am thankful for so many things, thankful for so much of circumstance that makes up the situation I exist in.

I think I was needing this break though. A change of scenery, change of pace. Something 'different' from what has become my 'everyday'.

We were out of school Good Friday as well, so you might say VRCA is getting almost a week-and-a-half Spring Break!

I have mostly been trying to chisel away at my running 'To Do' list. Projects that need to be finished so I can return the pattern I borrowed, new project ideas to try out, yard work during the not-raining days (oh glory!), a dress that needed altering, housecleaning (my whole family's been sick over the last couple of weeks, so there was some major catch-up left from that), cooking (an inconvenient necessity), attention to neglected journaling, reading, laundry, letter writing (have yet to tackle that one), to name a few. It's been an almost-perfect mix of work and play.

Photography, shamefully, has moved nearly to the back burner lately... I've taken a very few pictures that weren't school or work related in the last couple of months (I did have my first paid senior session a few weeks ago - super exciting!). Looking at the lifestyle photography of a friend was how I caught the photography bug in the first place - I'm working on getting back in the habit of picking up the camera again just to work on the art of capturing life.

So thankful for the rest and accomplishment that this break has given me. And I still have two-and-a-half days left!

Thoughts Of A Weary Traveler

{Note: As a Christian and/or as a human, do you ever just get tired? Below is an entry from my journal on Dec. 6, 2015, when I was really feeling it. You may or may not get some of the references, but I need to remember that day, how I felt, and how the Lord is still coming through for me. Above is a reminder I captured on the mission trip I took to Seattle this summer.}

Why is existence so hard? Is it even worth it? Every day almost, it seems, I am more and more aware of my 'stranger status' here in this foreign land. It is hard, so hard, to keep in mind the image of this tiny red mark at the tip of the earth-encircling rope. The red mark seems so long when traveling it.

I am tired, so tired. And if I, then how much more must those long in the way be?

I am in a constant resistance with discouragement, with sadness, with frustration, with anger, and with exhaustion. I seem drowning in these things, and in the utter vastness of the job before me, before all true Christians. But where are, and who are, the true Christians? I can trust no one. All are unstable. All are satisfied in their own ideas, whether Biblical or not. I am in a fight for myself, to become more the Christian that God would have me to be; I am in a fight against Satan's work in the world; and I am in a fight against Satan's work in the church.

I am swallowed up in an invisible cloud; in the center of a bubble from which I cannot escape. If I could but get out and turn around and look on it I think I would see that it is a small inky blot in a vast expanse of gloriously clear air. Like Bilbo getting to the top of the tree and seeing the butterflies above Mirkwood, yet having to descend back into the poisonous darkness, I know there is cleanness and beauty from God's view, but I struggle to keep faith in that view of Light, while I am smothering in the murky darkness.

Tonight Bro. Earl said that in the men's prayer time this afternoon, he prayed for us (Victory Rd.) to have victory in our spiritual lives, so that we may find the freedom and joy and power to live Spirit-filled lives. The timing, for me at least, is absolutely just right.

And he asked, as a challenge, that us as his Sunday night group pray this for the church as well, that a wild-fire of spiritual victory would sweep the church. Oh how it is needed!

Five Minute Friday: "Learn"

"Five Minute Friday". Third week for me! This week's word is "learn".

It's almost time for school to start back after a full and crazy summer. I work at an academy, so I'm more than just nominally interested in that fact.

The first day of school (and even after the 'new' wears off, hopefully!) brings streams of bright faces, eager to begin again the process of learning.
And yet, they have so much to teach me. To teach all the adults in their lives.

Children have a different outlook on life. They don't understand social rules or observe understood appropriate behavior. Sometimes in their enthusiasm, they squeal with delight in decidedly undignified style. They don't have any hesitation about scratching an itch in a hard-to-reach place, requiring awkward physical contortions. They are brutally honest. They are not uncomfortable with staring openly at something or someone that they find interesting. They hoard pretty rocks but think money is boring. They believe in the unbelievable. And they are slow to realize and observe stereotypes or 'differences' in others.

All of these things aren't always for the best (ha!) but the outlook of innocence behind so many of them is something adults would do well to learn from.

For example, I don't think I'll ever forget a story I heard about a question asked by a biological child in a white family with several adopted children (of various distinct nationalities). When the child found out several of his siblings were adopted, he asked, 'Which ones?'. There's also the story of a child who quickly befriended a handicapped individual that everyone else was too embarrassed to talk to.

The schools are filled with brilliant teachers showing off shiny degrees, when many of them would do well to learn from their pupils.
There is a reason that Jesus told His disciples that anyone who wishes to enter His Kingdom must have the heart and faith of a child.

Trissy pointed out a fact the other day that I'd never quite put into conscious thought, but that is, sadly, so very true:
"Children are so busy living life that they don't focus on their troubles. Adults are so focused on their troubles that they're too busy to live life."

Oh that we could all learn how to truly live!

{Note: It took me a little longer than five minutes :) .}

Five Minute Friday : "Here"

My second week of participating in "Five Minute Friday". This week's word is "here".


"You are here."

You know those little maps that are in alot of public places, showing you the layout of the store, the park, etc.? There's usually a not-necessarily-so-helpful notation marking the location of the map. It often says "You are here".

Why do we look at those little maps? We know where we are, obviously, at least on a very basic level!
Well, we look at them to find out how to get to where we are wanting to go.

Right now, I know where I am. I am "here". But I'll admit, I am struggling about getting to where I want to be.

Sometimes (for reasons I won't go into detail about, for time's sake), I'm afraid to plan, to dream, to set long-range goals for the future. I want to get there, but I am afraid of the road that will take me there.

Yet I am often unsatisfied with being "here", where I am.

One of the best quotes I've ever heard is very simple, but very wise: "Bloom where you're planted."

Discontentment is one of the human nature's easiest vices to give in to. Yet God has allowed us to be "here", where we are now, at this moment. And He's given us the opportunity (and ability) to use it well. It is up to us to decide if we are going to live it with joy and confidence in His love (to bloom), or with worry and dissatisfaction (wishing we were planted somewhere else).

We struggle with doubt, with worry, with our inability to control our own lives and destinies.

But we don't need to. And I'm preaching to myself here! Bloom where you're planted. "You are here", now.

Five Minute Friday : "Try"

Trissy recently introduced me to a little community of writers who participate in an exercise called "Five Minute Friday". She's started doing it on her new blog (!) and I decided to start trying to participate, though I may not make it every week. Here goes my first one!
This week's word is "try".

{Start time.}

Try. One of the first things I think of when I hear (or read) that word is a quote from a dear friend:

"There is no such thing as 'try'. There is either 'do' or 'do not'."

When I first heard it, I frowned, puzzled. I wasn't sure if I agreed with it or not. It was one of those things, "I'll have to think about that one...".

Of course there is such a thing as 'try'! If I honestly attempt to climb a mountain, read 50 books in a year, or cook a meal all by myself, I have 'tried' to do it!

But then I got to thinking, maybe there really is only 'do' or 'do not'.

Either I reached the top of the mountain, or I didn't. Either I read 50 books that year, or less. Either I got that meal on the table, or only part of it. Either I 'did' those things, or I 'did not' do them.

But lately, my mind has changed again. I think there's both. With the mountain, the books, and the meal, I really attempted to accomplish my goal. I 'tried'. That's true. So there is such a thing as 'try'.

{End time. I'm not finished with what I was saying though, so I'll keep going :) .}

'Trying' is not the goal however. Accomplishing ('doing') it is. It's the end result that has the value, and I think that is what my friend meant, the lesson he was trying (ha, no pun intended) to teach.

Yet even there, one can argue the point... If a lesson was learned in the effort, something of value did come from the 'trying'. And - "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." - maybe next time, success. And the 'try' will have become 'do'. And the 'doing' will lead to 'done'.

Dust To Beauty

Spending a decent amount of time in another context is one of the most effective ways to re-set a person's perspective and help them see the world around them through refreshed and unbiased eyes.

Four days ago, I got back from such an experience - a ten-day mission trip with eight other people from Victory Rd., and a friend from another state. A total of ten of us went to a big city in the western part of the country to volunteer at a mission organization focused on ministering to the homeless and poor in that area. It was definitely an eye-opener.

I thought I was prepared. I thought I knew enough about homelessness to be able to minister with a tender heart, but also to maintain a protective skin around my feelings. I was wrong.

And maybe that was a good thing.

The mission sends out a group of staff, program guys, and volunteers every night in a big van (or two) with sandwiches, blankets, clean socks, small hygiene items (shampoo, toothbrushes and toothpaste, soap, sunscreen, etc.), something to drink (juice or hot chocolate, depending on the weather. The mission's hot chocolate is famous in the city. Some people were asking for it even when the nights were warm.), and kind hearts. There are several different routes that the vans take, and multiple stops along each route. The van parks, and a handful of the volunteers get out and walk around nearby, looking for homeless and down-trodden folks in the vicinity to send back to the van. The rest of the workers stay at the van to meet the people who come.
The big red vans and the mission's name are known and welcomed all over the city by drunks, druggies, unemployed businessmen, orphans, scarred veterans, prostitutes, and honest people who are simply 'down on their luck'. Anyone who needs a little food, a little warmth, a kind word, a listening ear, and/or the love of Christ, can find it at the hands of the mission and it's workers - many of them formerly addicted and scarred people themselves, now beautifully healed by the love of God.

Our team was privileged to go out on these nighttime-rescue trips several times. I went along for five out of the ten nights we were there in the city. The first night was heart-breaking, and almost too hard. But after the second night, I was addicted to the 'high' - the feeling of being useful, doing good, and maybe helping change some lives for the better.

Our team also helped prepare and serve the nearly-one-thousand meals the mission serves to homeless people that walk in every day just to eat (the number increases in the winter months when it's cold and harder for homeless folks to find food). In the process of meal preparations and other kitchen chores, our team worked alongside many of the men who are going through the rehab program and living there at the mission. Nothing bonds people like having to work together for a focused cause. We made some wonderful new friends.

To hear the guys in the program tell their stories, to see the depths of history in their eyes, to watch smiles bloom on gruff faces, and to learn how completely normal they are behind the tough fronts... Those were priceless moments.
One of the most impacting seconds of the trip for me was when, one day near the end of our time there, I suddenly realized that I didn't notice anymore the ponytails, the strange facial piercings, the gauges, or the tattoos - those details about our new friends that had startled me (and made me a little more nervous than I was anyway) at the beginning of the trip, had faded before the twin effects of kindness and grace. For, on our parts, it took kindness and open hearts to see past those things at first - to be able to get to know the real men behind the weird expressions. And for them, it took the grace of God to change their hearts from places of fear and slavery to places of rest, courage, and hope. Simply judging by the ten-day experience that I had working at the mission, that is what is happening there - the Lord is using that place to rescue men and give them new lives in Christ.

I thank Him that He allowed me the blessing of looking through a small ten-day window, into the beauty that is possible when His hand touches our dust.

{Note: Another post coming with pictures and more specific details of our trip.}