[Mostly] Work-related Relationship Struggles

Well, the first week of school is 'in the books', and with it my first week as VRCA's new secretary. I really enjoyed the work, yet the end of the week has left me feeling hesitant, unsure, and discouraged.

I don't accept praise easily. Something always tells me, "They feel like they have to say that," "They're just being polite," or "They don't really know what they're talking about - even if I did a little 'something' right, I still didn't do good enough".
But criticism (or perceived criticism) soaks me through, even penetrating to the hollow places inside my bones and filling them up - becoming part of who I am.

Condescension is the hardest to deal with. As if I'm too naive, sheltered, inexperienced, immature, out-of-step, or weak to handle [fill in the blank] situation.
If I'm doing something wrong, I'd much rather someone come to me kindly and frankly about it, than bottle up their amusement or frustration and just emit a fake politeness that I can see right through but can't discern the cause of!

A dubious once-over from a few different parents looms up bigger in my memories from the week than the respectful, confident treatment from a couple of others.

The skeptical, silent mannerisms of one or two teachers drowns out the friendly, eager mannerisms of others.

Working in my cubicle and hearing three school officials having a discussion in low voices, and thinking surely they must be discussing my mistakes, shakes and discourages me, in spite of the reassurances they've expressed.

Maybe the parents didn't realize they looked so critical. Maybe they weren't critical!
Maybe the quiet teachers are just naturally undemonstrative and calm. Maybe it has nothing to do with me.
Maybe the three officials were discussing an issue with a student, or a parent, or a teacher, or someone not even connected to the school, and just didn't want any little ears that might be out to catch the confidential things they were consulting about. Maybe my mistakes and slow learning don't bother them at all.

Yet, having grown up in the shadow of others' natural shine, and having always felt that I was a disappointment to certain ones over me, it's hard for me to brush off either real or imagined disdain from others.

So, all in all, and considering other challenges and difficulties of my current life situation, I ended up Friday pretty 'down'.

Last night I sat down and wrote the Lord a letter; just poured out all my struggles and sorrow and bitterness and vulnerability to Him. I've heard that writing is just 'sitting down at a typewriter and bleeding'. It sounds really weird, but I completely understand the analogy. I sat down at the computer and 'bled' in front of my loving, forgiving, understanding, wonderful God. And He came through, just as He always does.

This post is a next-morning view of the situation. I'm still struggling between confidence and insecurity about this new job, and about my relationships with people in general. But things are brighter. And as He's helped me through my life up until this point, so I know He will continue.

"5 Small Things Friday" No. 5

Go back and read this post for the story behind "Five Small Things Friday".

For this week, here is my list:

1. Sight: Persimmons on a china saucer.

2. Hearing: A car-load of kids on the way to school.

3. Smell: Taco shells frying.

4. Taste: The first home-made hot chocolate of the season.

5. Touch: A soft white scarf.


The stories behind the list:

1. There is a persimmon tree in The Grandfather's brother and sister-in-law's yard, next to our place. They always let us have persimmons from it, and it's persimmon season now. They are so delicious! We've been having them as snacks in the morning, and the other day Mom made a little party out of it, cutting them onto china plates, and setting out our nice silver-ware to eat them with.

2. Thursday morning at the Thursday Morning Breakfast at the church, we had probably the biggest group of students since the school year started. After breakfast when it was time to get the kids to school, there weren't enough vehicles to get all the kids to school, so I volunteered to take a car-load. It was so much fun! We fit a little person between Trissy and me in the front seat, and four in the back. Yes, they were all buckled, though a couple of them had to share a seatbelt :) ! They were having so much fun, and the merry chatter was such a sweet sound. One of the older girls decided we needed a theme song and started whistling the theme to "The Andy Griffith Show". We dropped them off at the academy, and there were cheerful cries of "Bye!" and "Thank you!" as they all scrambled out of my little 'Tilly-bus' and hurried in to school. It made my day.

3. Trissy made tacos one day, and she was frying the shells when I got in from work and school. Ohhhh it smelled good!

4. It is finally starting to really get cold. Mom has gotten hooked on those fancy creamers for her coffee, like French Vanilla, and Irish Cream and all that. I was tired and cold from sitting still at the computer doing homework, so I got up and made myself my first home-made hot chocolate of the season (I had bought a hot chocolate at the little local coffee shop a few days before). Mom wanted me to use her French Vanilla cream in it, just to see how I liked it ;) . I don't drink coffee, but that cream sure was good in the hot chocolate!

5. Mrs. Gayle, the assistant administrator at VRCA, was one of the ones that went on the church mission trip this past summer that Trissy and I went on. While we were there, she discovered that I know how to french braid my hair. She was so excited, and asked if I would do hers :) . She is so funny! I french braided her hair the rest of the time we were over there, and since school has started, she asks me to come by the academy on my way to college and do it once a week or so. I enjoy getting to do it :) !
Last Friday, she came in to after-school to get her kids and she was wearing a nice black scarf. I'd been trying to find a white one almost just like it and I commented on it, and asked her where she got it, but she said she didn't think they had white ones.
Sunday between Sunday School and the church service, I heard her voice out in the foyer asking where I was. She has a trumpet voice that comes in very handy at the school, and has just become part of her personality :) . It made me smile. I called back to her, and she came around the corner with a gift bag in her hand, holding it out to me. "What's this for?!" I asked her.
"It's because I love you!" she answered. "Do I have to have a reason?"
She wanted me to open it right then. "I want to see if you..." she paused. "If it's what you're looking for".
I couldn't imagine what it was, but I sat down, took out the dark green tissue paper, and there was a beautiful white scarf! It was a really nice one, and SO soft.
I didn't know what to say! She just grinned. "It's for braiding my hair!"