Thoughts Of A Weary Traveler

{Note: As a Christian and/or as a human, do you ever just get tired? Below is an entry from my journal on Dec. 6, 2015, when I was really feeling it. You may or may not get some of the references, but I need to remember that day, how I felt, and how the Lord is still coming through for me. Above is a reminder I captured on the mission trip I took to Seattle this summer.}

Why is existence so hard? Is it even worth it? Every day almost, it seems, I am more and more aware of my 'stranger status' here in this foreign land. It is hard, so hard, to keep in mind the image of this tiny red mark at the tip of the earth-encircling rope. The red mark seems so long when traveling it.

I am tired, so tired. And if I, then how much more must those long in the way be?

I am in a constant resistance with discouragement, with sadness, with frustration, with anger, and with exhaustion. I seem drowning in these things, and in the utter vastness of the job before me, before all true Christians. But where are, and who are, the true Christians? I can trust no one. All are unstable. All are satisfied in their own ideas, whether Biblical or not. I am in a fight for myself, to become more the Christian that God would have me to be; I am in a fight against Satan's work in the world; and I am in a fight against Satan's work in the church.

I am swallowed up in an invisible cloud; in the center of a bubble from which I cannot escape. If I could but get out and turn around and look on it I think I would see that it is a small inky blot in a vast expanse of gloriously clear air. Like Bilbo getting to the top of the tree and seeing the butterflies above Mirkwood, yet having to descend back into the poisonous darkness, I know there is cleanness and beauty from God's view, but I struggle to keep faith in that view of Light, while I am smothering in the murky darkness.

Tonight Bro. Earl said that in the men's prayer time this afternoon, he prayed for us (Victory Rd.) to have victory in our spiritual lives, so that we may find the freedom and joy and power to live Spirit-filled lives. The timing, for me at least, is absolutely just right.

And he asked, as a challenge, that us as his Sunday night group pray this for the church as well, that a wild-fire of spiritual victory would sweep the church. Oh how it is needed!

Dust To Beauty

Spending a decent amount of time in another context is one of the most effective ways to re-set a person's perspective and help them see the world around them through refreshed and unbiased eyes.

Four days ago, I got back from such an experience - a ten-day mission trip with eight other people from Victory Rd., and a friend from another state. A total of ten of us went to a big city in the western part of the country to volunteer at a mission organization focused on ministering to the homeless and poor in that area. It was definitely an eye-opener.

I thought I was prepared. I thought I knew enough about homelessness to be able to minister with a tender heart, but also to maintain a protective skin around my feelings. I was wrong.

And maybe that was a good thing.

The mission sends out a group of staff, program guys, and volunteers every night in a big van (or two) with sandwiches, blankets, clean socks, small hygiene items (shampoo, toothbrushes and toothpaste, soap, sunscreen, etc.), something to drink (juice or hot chocolate, depending on the weather. The mission's hot chocolate is famous in the city. Some people were asking for it even when the nights were warm.), and kind hearts. There are several different routes that the vans take, and multiple stops along each route. The van parks, and a handful of the volunteers get out and walk around nearby, looking for homeless and down-trodden folks in the vicinity to send back to the van. The rest of the workers stay at the van to meet the people who come.
The big red vans and the mission's name are known and welcomed all over the city by drunks, druggies, unemployed businessmen, orphans, scarred veterans, prostitutes, and honest people who are simply 'down on their luck'. Anyone who needs a little food, a little warmth, a kind word, a listening ear, and/or the love of Christ, can find it at the hands of the mission and it's workers - many of them formerly addicted and scarred people themselves, now beautifully healed by the love of God.

Our team was privileged to go out on these nighttime-rescue trips several times. I went along for five out of the ten nights we were there in the city. The first night was heart-breaking, and almost too hard. But after the second night, I was addicted to the 'high' - the feeling of being useful, doing good, and maybe helping change some lives for the better.

Our team also helped prepare and serve the nearly-one-thousand meals the mission serves to homeless people that walk in every day just to eat (the number increases in the winter months when it's cold and harder for homeless folks to find food). In the process of meal preparations and other kitchen chores, our team worked alongside many of the men who are going through the rehab program and living there at the mission. Nothing bonds people like having to work together for a focused cause. We made some wonderful new friends.

To hear the guys in the program tell their stories, to see the depths of history in their eyes, to watch smiles bloom on gruff faces, and to learn how completely normal they are behind the tough fronts... Those were priceless moments.
One of the most impacting seconds of the trip for me was when, one day near the end of our time there, I suddenly realized that I didn't notice anymore the ponytails, the strange facial piercings, the gauges, or the tattoos - those details about our new friends that had startled me (and made me a little more nervous than I was anyway) at the beginning of the trip, had faded before the twin effects of kindness and grace. For, on our parts, it took kindness and open hearts to see past those things at first - to be able to get to know the real men behind the weird expressions. And for them, it took the grace of God to change their hearts from places of fear and slavery to places of rest, courage, and hope. Simply judging by the ten-day experience that I had working at the mission, that is what is happening there - the Lord is using that place to rescue men and give them new lives in Christ.

I thank Him that He allowed me the blessing of looking through a small ten-day window, into the beauty that is possible when His hand touches our dust.

{Note: Another post coming with pictures and more specific details of our trip.}

Where Oh Where Has My Brown-Eyed Boy Gone?

My family doesn't rent movies much, only a little more than we go to the theater, and I've been to the theater four times in (approximately) the past 15 years - gives you some idea of the frequency - but after Trissy and I watched "Big Hero 6" with a cousin (Uncle David and Aunt Winny's son), we wanted to show it to Dad and Mom. So Trissy went out on a limb and picked up four movies (three of which none of us had seen) from the video rental store for us this weekend. One of them was "Last Ounce of Courage" (more later - maybe - on the other three). We watched it tonight, and I was pleasantly surprised. I'm so used to being 'burnt' on new movies that finding one I can recommend is very encouraging. I did have an objection to one aspect, but that's a whole 'nother ballgame, and not why I'm writing this post. Maybe I'll address it another time.

I'm just writing now for myself. To 'think out loud' and pray at the same time.

The film had a very patriotic message, and one of the main characters was a young soldier who bore an amazing resemblance to my 'brown-eyed boy'. My 'brown-eyed boy' - who I have heard nothing of in over a year, except a very rare text message from his mom. I texted the number I had for her one afternoon last month for the first time in probably a year and a half. I didn't even really expect to receive an answer - I never had when the family still lived in this area and still attended Victory Rd. I didn't hold out hope now that they've moved away and been gone so many months. But I was amazed and thrilled when my 'I've-been-thinking-about-your-family-and-just-wanted-to-let-you-know-I'm-praying-for-you' text was answered with a 'we're-doing-alright-the-boys-are-fine-thank-you-for-the-prayers' response!
But then I wondered, did "the boys" mean the two 'little boys', her thirteen and nine-year-olds? Or all three of her boys?

Keeping my eyes and ears open right around the time they left, I picked up word of him here and there for a while. It was very discouraging. He'd disappeared from Victory Rd., hanging instead with 'the wrong crowd'. His Twitter feed was filthy.
The last I heard of my 'brown-eyed boy' he was going into the military - into explosives. That was about two years ago. The last time I saw him, he'd come to pick up his two little brothers from the academy and was - figuratively - a pitiful shadow of the bright young man he had been during his Victory Rd. days. Physically, he appeared in top form. Spiritually...

My first emotion was shock. Heartbreak followed close on it's heels. A Christian brother, my friend. Where had he gone? 
He was like a stranger. He didn't even look at me.

I texted the same message to the last number I had for him, at the same time I texted his mom. No response.

Oh God! My 'brown-eyed boy'! Wherever you are, God help you!
Oh what has become of him?

Toby.

Toby mentored and discipled him for several months. They became quite good friends. If anyone knows where he is or what's going on with him, surely Toby does. Good old Toby - I'll ask him at church tomorrow.

My 'brown-eyed' boy's movie look-alike was a strong Christian and his Lord strengthened him through the fires of battle. Oh that this same could be said of my 'brown-eyed boy'!!

Soli Deo Gloria! -Kyrie<>< - another 'Dear _____, Love, me' post

Dear Bro. Earl,

May God give you the energy you need and keep your courage up. I love hearing you teach. And it makes my day when you hang around in the morning after teaching your high schoolers' Bible class at the academy and discuss theology with me.


Dear Mrs. Shannen,

I know your load is heavy - may the Lord be your strength.


Dear Bro. Dennis,

You taught me so much. You were my mentor, my friend. I miss you. Please come back.


Dear Mrs. Carrie,

You're still beautiful. May the Lord truly give you the desires of your heart.


Dear Maxwell,

You are growing so fast. I've prayed for you twice as long as you've been alive, and I'm still praying for you. May God make something amazing of your life. 


Dear Austin,

I miss you and Ava so much. Your sunny friendship warms my memories. May God use you greatly where you are.


Dear Ava,

I miss you and Austin so much. What a wonderful heart shines through the wonderful smile you have. Thank you for keeping in touch with us at Victory Rd.! God bless your adventure!


Dear Aron,

I'm so proud of you for how you're striving to be a true man of God. Keep Him at the center of your precious family.


Dear Henley,

You are such a wonderful wife and mother. May the Lord bless your efforts to do what's right. Keep loving your husband, keep loving your boys. Keep experimenting!


Dear Simon,

There's still hope. Come home.


Dear Joy,

The devil wants you, but God is stronger! The little decisions you're making now are setting the stage for the rest of your life. Oh darling! The glittery pleasures that tempt teenagers are so fleeting - the glitter falls off, and years later if God grants you wisdom, you will look at them and wonder how in the world you allowed yourself to give your time and love to that naked junk. How my heart aches over you! God fight for you!


Dear Toby,

Bless your loving heart. Yes, you are human and you've made mistakes. No, I don't agree with you on everything. But I respect you so much. Let the Lord keep making you incredible.


Dear Lindy,

You are a true friend. Stay humble, but don't get too down on yourself. You're on the right track to making an excellent wife - stay Toby's best friend.


Dear Archer,

I think you've found your life's work. If that's the case, pour your whole self into it. But please be so careful - as you're cleaning, it's easy to get dirty yourself. Seek the Lord's advice in EVERYthing.


Dear Law,

Oh my precious, how can I write to you all that's in my heart? I continually praise our blessed Christ for the man He's making you into. God bless you, my dear young friend.


Dear Abigail,

Your happiness makes me happy. I can always count on you for a corny joke or a teasing jab or a tidbit of spiritual wisdom to boost my spirit. Keep singing.


Dear Piper,

I'm continually amazed at your store of patience and your depth of maturity. You still have so much to learn. God make you a great lady, my dearest girl! And don't give up your piano :) .


Dear Bro. S.,

Thank you for loving your wife and trying to raise your kids for the Lord. Thank you for your country simplicity and wisdom. Thank you for being so transparent and honest with your Sunday School class. Thank you for your friendship and for your perceptive encouragement.


Dear Mrs. S.,

Thank you for loving your husband and trying to raise your kids for the Lord. Your knack for putting people at ease and your heart of welcome are both a great example and a special gift; there is a reason everyone loves you - you love everyone.


Dear Trent,

You are growing up so well. Keep your contentment, yet yearn for more of God. Thank you for your down-to-earth country friendship. And for blessing others with your music.


Dear Peter,

I can't believe what a wonderful young man you're becoming. I mean, I can, but I've known you long enough to remember you as a little kid! You are so unconscious of your good looks, and that makes you even more handsome. Keep your sunny disposition - a joyful spirit is a blessing to the owner as well as to those around him.


Dear Trent and Peter's mom,

You are such a blessing to me. Thank you for your advice on photography, your smoothie recipes, your secretarial tips, your humility, and your sweet smile. Thank you for treating me as an equal, even though I'm so much younger.


Dear Lela,

Are you happy? True happiness comes from joy in Christ. Don't waste your life. Btw, I miss you. Remember Chicago?


Dear Mrs. Renae,

I'm so thankful the Lord has allowed us to stay in touch. He is stronger than anything fighting you!


Dear Nicole,

What can I say? There's only one Nicole. Am I still 'one of your best friends'? May the Lord grow you into the woman He wants you to be - don't resist the changes He wants to make.


Dear Russell,

You have the gift of a joyful spirit - what a blessing you are to so many! Use your talent for the glory of God - don't let the bright lights blind you.


Dear Lora, Lindsay, Dolan, and Randy,

I have no idea what happened to you. But I know the One who does. I trust that He is watching out for you. I loved you.


My Dear Brown-Eyed Boy,

Wherever you are, God keep you.


Dear Bro. Mike, Bro. Mike's wife, and Camille,

I'm so thankful for the amazing adventure the Lord is allowing you to live! Don't wait too long to come back for a visit though - it's been so long since that last hug.


Dear Bro. Nick and Lydia,

I'm praying for you.


My Dear Dr. Pepper Kids,

Oh how I hope and pray that you will give yourselves to the Lord! You aren't kids anymore, but a young man and two young women. If you start now with Christ while you're young, life will be better - trust me.


Dear Trissy,

I love you.


Dear others-I'd-wanted-to-include-a-note-to-in-this-post,

I am so sorry, but it's 11:00 P.M. and I've got to be at work right after 7:00 tomorrow morning - I've got to go to bed. But that doesn't change the fact that I love you and hope you will love the Lord. Maybe I can write later.

Most of the others I actually have written will never see their notes. But I needed to write them.


Soli Deo Gloria!

-Kyrie<><

Random Photos | July 30 - September 25

[Mostly] Work-related Relationship Struggles

Well, the first week of school is 'in the books', and with it my first week as VRCA's new secretary. I really enjoyed the work, yet the end of the week has left me feeling hesitant, unsure, and discouraged.

I don't accept praise easily. Something always tells me, "They feel like they have to say that," "They're just being polite," or "They don't really know what they're talking about - even if I did a little 'something' right, I still didn't do good enough".
But criticism (or perceived criticism) soaks me through, even penetrating to the hollow places inside my bones and filling them up - becoming part of who I am.

Condescension is the hardest to deal with. As if I'm too naive, sheltered, inexperienced, immature, out-of-step, or weak to handle [fill in the blank] situation.
If I'm doing something wrong, I'd much rather someone come to me kindly and frankly about it, than bottle up their amusement or frustration and just emit a fake politeness that I can see right through but can't discern the cause of!

A dubious once-over from a few different parents looms up bigger in my memories from the week than the respectful, confident treatment from a couple of others.

The skeptical, silent mannerisms of one or two teachers drowns out the friendly, eager mannerisms of others.

Working in my cubicle and hearing three school officials having a discussion in low voices, and thinking surely they must be discussing my mistakes, shakes and discourages me, in spite of the reassurances they've expressed.

Maybe the parents didn't realize they looked so critical. Maybe they weren't critical!
Maybe the quiet teachers are just naturally undemonstrative and calm. Maybe it has nothing to do with me.
Maybe the three officials were discussing an issue with a student, or a parent, or a teacher, or someone not even connected to the school, and just didn't want any little ears that might be out to catch the confidential things they were consulting about. Maybe my mistakes and slow learning don't bother them at all.

Yet, having grown up in the shadow of others' natural shine, and having always felt that I was a disappointment to certain ones over me, it's hard for me to brush off either real or imagined disdain from others.

So, all in all, and considering other challenges and difficulties of my current life situation, I ended up Friday pretty 'down'.

Last night I sat down and wrote the Lord a letter; just poured out all my struggles and sorrow and bitterness and vulnerability to Him. I've heard that writing is just 'sitting down at a typewriter and bleeding'. It sounds really weird, but I completely understand the analogy. I sat down at the computer and 'bled' in front of my loving, forgiving, understanding, wonderful God. And He came through, just as He always does.

This post is a next-morning view of the situation. I'm still struggling between confidence and insecurity about this new job, and about my relationships with people in general. But things are brighter. And as He's helped me through my life up until this point, so I know He will continue.