A Day Of Struggle

Last night I dreamed about him. About Archer. I dreamed we were finally going to get to go see him, except he wasn't in our little ol' local 'big city', he was in some real 'big city' somewhere, and a bunch of us from the youth group were going to take a church bus to go see him get an award for something-or-other at this black-tie, formal-dress occasion.
We found seats out in the huge, dimly-lit auditorium and watched a handful of uninteresting people walk across the bright stage with red velvet curtains behind them. Finally, the emcee called the name we waited for. We sat up straighter in our seats, and here he came. Tall and slim, wearing a black tuxedo, the black TOMS he'd worn as a groomsman in Austin and Ava's wedding, and that winning smile. We cheered as he graciously accepted his award, then craned our necks for a glimpse of that face as all the award-receivers lined up in the front, to the side of the stage, for pictures. We were as starving people, thirsty for a refreshing look, desperate for a few words with our friend.

Soon, but not soon enough for us, it was over, and the auditorium emptied. The crowds in their glittering gowns and nice suits filed calmly into the evening toward the elaborate gardens, where lavish refreshments were spread on tables and terraces sloping gracefully down to a view of the river. We took places on one terrace, trying to be patient as we waited anxiously for him to join us.
Minutes passed, then an hour, and still he didn't come. He hadn't actually said he'd come join us, but he'd known we were coming to see him... Surely he'd be here soon.
Finally someone went to find out. 'Oh, no,' was the answer, 'He was with a group from First Baptist (the church he goes to in the city where he's attending the university) and they left already.'

I saw the hearts of our whole group sink, but for myself, mine was crushed. Had he forgotten that quickly? Had he so easily traded us for others? Were we nothing more to him?
I sat on the low rock wall surrounding the terrace, unconscious that my nice clothes were getting scuffed, as I listlessly gazed out on the shimmering water. The moonlight danced on the little ripples and the black silhouettes of the tree branches spidered delicately across the sparkling, star-studded sky. But it meant nothing. I turned and looked at the sad faces of my companions, sitting stunned and silent, and saw a reflection of my own sorrow in their eyes. But I saw something else in theirs that mine did not match. They were accepting, resolute, ready to get up and start the long drive back without further weeping or protest. I turned for one last look at the water, and we left.

~

Why am I having such a hard time giving it to Him?!
It's been so hard, first, when Archer was going to be leaving; but that was still months away. I could push the thoughts back.
Then, he was going to be leaving soon, and no more would our music group and Tuesday night practices be the same; but he would be only an hour away, and at least we would still (I thought) have him back on Sundays.
But that comfort was shattered to bits, practically 'on stage' at the week-end youth retreat our music group played for.
Then, the Strength To Stand conference will be 'one last good-bye' with the youth group. But that last Sunday morning before we played, he told us he wasn't going to be able to get off work. So no STS.
But he practically promised a visit within two weeks. He kept his promise, but Trissy and I kept one of ours too, and we missed him.
My 'last comfort' was that Julia would be going to the same college in the fall, and maybe things would spark again between them and the Lord would answer that prayer and dream and wish of mine for these two dear friends.
Tuesday night at practice, Julia told us that she's about 95% sure the Lord's directing her to a college about 4 hours away - so... she probably won't be going to the one where he is.

Why can't I trust my God?! Why can't I trust Him?! Time after time He has proven Himself trustworthy! Time after time He has worked things out for the good of us who are His. Why can't I just seem to let this go? I even keep dreaming about him - I can't get peace from my sadness and worry, even in my sleep. It's as if something in me won't let go of it, even though the rest of me is struggling desperately to give it up and to move on. I know the Lord will work it out (as always, it's just so hard to 'wait and see' how) - why can't I give it up to Him? Maybe it's because I don't want to forget. I don't want the lessons and times and memories to die when a friend leaves.
I don't want to forget; but isn't there some way I could remember the memories and surrender the pain?!