A Day Of Grace

After my awful day of struggle yesterday, it felt like the Lord gave me a day of grace today. He let me get all (well, probably not all, but alot!) of my crying and frustration out, and now He spent this day telling me what I needed to hear and know about many of the questions I struggled with yesterday.

The first of three or four main things was the chapter I read in my personal Bible study time. I was ready to read 2 Corinthians 5 yesterday, but (confession is good for the soul they say, whoever 'they' are. But they are right...) I got busy and didn't ever read it. So I read it this morning. It talks about faith in the Lord's plans, love for fellow-men, and the overwhelming desire of every Christian to be ultimately free of this wicked sorrowful world and this hard life - the desire for the hastening of the time when all the believers in Christ will be gathered together in Heaven with Him, "when joy is here to stay":

"For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.
For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven:If so be that being clothed we shall not be found naked.
For we that are in this tabernacle do groan, being burdened: not for that we would be unclothed, but clothed upon, that mortality might be swallowed up of life.
Now he that hath wrought us for the selfsame thing is God, who also hath given unto us the earnest of the Spirit.
Therefore we are always confident, knowing that, whilst we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord:
(For we walk by faith, not by sight:)
We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.
Wherefore we labour, that, whether present or absent, we may be accepted of him.
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad.
Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences.
For we commend not ourselves again unto you, but give you occasion to glory on our behalf, that ye may have somewhat to answer them which glory in appearance, and not in heart.
For whether we be beside ourselves, it is to God: or whether we be sober, it is for your cause.
For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead:
And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.
Wherefore henceforth know we no man after the flesh: yea, though we have known Christ after the flesh, yet now henceforth know we him no more.
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;
To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.
Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God.
For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him."

Next was the chapter we read in our family devotional time after breakfast, 1 Thessalonians 3, that speaks of friendship, separation, suffering, and being a blessing one to another:

"Wherefore when we could no longer forbear, we thought it good to be left at Athens alone;
And sent Timotheus, our brother, and minister of God, and our fellowlabourer in the gospel of Christ, to establish you, and to comfort you concerning your faith:
That no man should be moved by these afflictions: for yourselves know that we are appointed thereunto.
For verily, when we were with you, we told you before that we should suffer tribulation; even as it came to pass, and ye know.
For this cause, when I could no longer forbear, I sent to know your faith, lest by some means the tempter have tempted you, and our labour be in vain.
But now when Timotheus came from you unto us, and brought us good tidings of your faith and charity, and that ye have good remembrance of us always, desiring greatly to see us, as we also to see you:
Therefore, brethren, we were comforted over you in all our affliction and distress by your faith:
For now we live, if ye stand fast in the Lord.
For what thanks can we render to God again for you, for all the joy wherewith we joy for your sakes before our God;
Night and day praying exceedingly that we might see your face, and might perfect that which is lacking in your faith?
Now God himself and our Father, and our Lord Jesus Christ, direct our way unto you.
And the Lord make you to increase and abound in love one toward another, and toward all men, even as we do toward you:
To the end he may stablish your hearts unblameable in holiness before God, even our Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ with all his saints."

Throughout the morning, memories kept coming to mind. I helped Dad plant potatoes, and the weather reminded me alot of our 30 Hour Famine last year. I listened to the Christian radio station on my mp3 player as we had lunch, and many of the songs I heard were ones our music group had learned and/or played at the week-end camp we played for ("10,000 Reasons/Bless the Lord" and "Great I Am" really stood out). But, though thinking of those memories was a little sad, my feelings were mostly pleasant ones - my system seemed primarily to be gleaning the wonder and excitement of those times, and mostly filtering out my sadness at their being over.

Then later I came across this article from the Desiring God website. I'd seen a link to this blog post a day or so ago, and saved the window open because I didn't have time to read it right then. This afternoon I did. Perfect timing:

"How Christians Prepare for Suffering
by Johathan Parnell

The apostle Paul suffered. Did he ever.

He was imprisoned. He was beaten, often near death. He took 195 total lashes from his Jewish kinsmen on five occasions. He took three pummels with rods. He was once stoned — and then also shipwrecked three times. Then there are the endless dangers of travel in the first century, plus countless other experiences mentioned and unmentioned in the New Testament (2 Corinthians 11:21–33).

It doesn’t take long until we wonder how in the world he did it. How did he take so much pain? So much loss? How did he prepare for suffering?

The answer is in Philippians 3:7–8.

Counting Everything As Loss

In the 1992 sermon 'Called to Suffer and Rejoice: That We Might Gain Christ,' John Piper unfolds the significance of Paul counting his gain as loss. Basically, the apostle took a long look at his life apart from Christ. All the things that he valued — his Jewish pedigree, his place in the upper echelon of religious society, his law-keeping — he took a long look at this list and wrote 'LOSS' over it with a giant Sharpie.

And then we went a step further.

It wasn’t just the past values of his personal life. It wasn’t just 'whatever gain he had.' Paul looks out into the future and declares everything as loss. Everything out there that could pass as positive. Everything good that he has yet to experience and everything which he will never experience. Compared to Jesus, everything is loss.

This Is Normal Christianity

And lest we think this puts Paul on a pious pedestal, that he is at a spiritual level we’d never reach, Piper reminds us that this sort of reckoning is normal Christianity (Matthew 13:44; Luke 14:33). To consider Jesus better than everything else in the world is at the heart of what it means to be a Christian.

It may be worth reading that last sentence a couple more times, until it feels uncomfortable. Many of us are so quick to console our hearts when the least bit of unsettling winds blow through. But what about conviction? It’s a good thing not to be comfortable with a watered-down Christianity foreign to the Bible. It’s not works-righteousness to say that saving faith in Jesus means we have to really love him. It’s works-righteousness to think that our really loving him is the reason we’re saved. Paul said that everything is loss compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Jesus. Paul said that and so should we.

Jesus Is Better

And that’s how Paul prepared for suffering. He saw Jesus as superior to everything else. Piper lays it out this way:

Suffering is nothing more than the taking away of bad things or good things that the world offers for our enjoyment — reputation, esteem among peers, job, money, spouse, sexual life, children, friends, health, strength, sight, hearing, success, etc. When these things are taken away (by force or by circumstance or by choice), we suffer. But if we have followed Paul and the teaching of Jesus and have already counted them as loss for the surpassing value of gaining Christ, then we are prepared to suffer.

This means that if we treasure Jesus, then every aspect of suffering in our lives is losing something we have already declared as loss.

If when you become a Christian you write a big red “LOSS” across all the things in the world except Christ, then when Christ calls you to forfeit some of those things, it is not strange or unexpected. The pain and the sorrow may be great. The tears may be many, as they were for Jesus in Gethsemane. But we will be prepared. We will know that the value of Christ surpasses all the things the world can offer and that in losing them we gain more of Christ.

Loving Him Today

None of us knows the sorrows that may meet us tomorrow and are sure to meet us if Jesus tarries. We don’t know what hardships God will call us to walk through. But even though we don’t know them, we can prepare for them. And the way we prepare for afflictions then is by gaining Jesus now.

It will not minimize the pain. Not at all. But we will know, even in the darkest night, that Jesus is our God and all, that he is our Rock and treasure, that he is enough.

The way we suit up for our sufferings tomorrow is by cultivating our love for Jesus today."

Much of what was contained in that article I already knew, and tried to communicate to myself yesterday. But there were also things I had not thought about. It was just what I needed.

I continued to feel more and more at peace throughout the day, like the Lord was enabling the release - of my sadness and of my friend - that I had so desperately sought for yesterday.
Finally, this evening I was thinking on these things as I showered and got ready (we had a discipleship/church planting 'seminar' of sorts at the church) and it almost seemed like the Lord asked me this question:

"So, if you never see him again, in your life here on earth, would you be okay with that?" And I felt pretty sure I could say, "Yes. It would be hard, but yes."
Then - almost immediately - it was like a different, wicked little voice taunted, "So... you wouldn't miss him?" Scornfully I replied, "Yeah I'd miss him!! That wasn't the question! The question was, 'If it was the Lord's will for me to never see Archer again before Heaven, would I be able to surrender to that?' And yes, I think I could. At this moment. Now, admittedly, I might not be able to say that later, even as soon as tomorrow! But right now, I think I can peacefully say, 'Yes.'"

God help me. I hope I will get to see him again, but if not, may God help me 'keep letting go' and leave him in the hands of our Lord.

I suppose my greatest anxiety/disappointment in this is that he hasn't seemed to miss us all that much. He's been back twice, that I know of, since he left two months ago. Once was for a get-together for our college group one Friday evening at Justice and Noel's place, a couple of weeks after he left. Trissy and I didn't go because we felt we had sortof promised The Grandparents we'd spend the evening with them, and we wouldn't go back on our word. We didn't find out until afterwards that Archer had been there, but we'd wondered if he would be - it would figure that we'd miss him. Landon was down visiting and was there too, so we missed both of them. Another time, he came after morning church services for Sunday dinner with his family, and went back to the church he's going to up there, before evening services. He's always just done his own thing like that, but I would have thought he'd miss us a little more. Our college group was so close. I know he loved us. He was especially close to Justice and Noel, but I don't think he's seen them more than once since that Friday night at their house.
It just hurts kindof, to think that he could so easily trade those years and all those memories together for this new life with this new college and new church. Probably that disappointment was what influenced my dream from yesterday.

But, that too, is something I must let go of and put in God's hands.

Soli Deo Gloria!

Edit: As I wrote this post, I asked Trissy what was the chapter we'd read in family devotional time this morning. She told me the chapter, but also said, 'I noticed chapter two, verse seventeen too. That's a good one.' I looked it up:
"But we, brethren, being taken from you for a short time in presence, not in heart, endeavoured the more abundantly to see your face with great desire." (1 Thessalonians 2:17)
Wow :) .