I know I have often been brutally honest on this blog; I have bared my heart to the world, if they care to see it. Yet I still shrink from being too personal with the feelings, hopes, joys, sorrows, and other things I share, with the knowledge that many (if not most) who read it will not understand. I have decided to publish it anyway. I am not ashamed of anything, for I have nothing to be ashamed of. But if you read this post - or anything on this blog for that matter - and feel confused, bewildered, or skeptical when you finish, please keep in mind that I am writing mainly for my own remembrance and record, so that I may look back to times like this, and see how the Lord used them to work His wonderful glory into my life - and the lives of those I love. If you receive a benefit from it, it will be a double blessing to me.
I have tried to explain some of the things I mention, but often I just pour out my heart, and only the Lord and I (and possibly Trissy) know what I am talking about. Please read with respect.
With yesterday being Fifth Sunday, Victory Rd. had morning services, lunch at the church, and an afternoon singing service, canceling evening services. So Mom, Trissy, and I went with The Grandparents to their church for their evening service. After church, the six boys that had come to Victory Rd. for the 30 Hour Famine went outside to play basketball in the corner of the parking lot and Trissy and I went out with them. After spending almost a day and a half together, we'd gotten to know each other alot better.
Talking and playing with the boys after church got me thinking again of the blessings and burdens I'd gotten from our 30 Hour Famine, including the service Friday evening and Law. So I re-watched the video recording of the service Friday night. And I noticed something else that, in the involvement of the service, I hadn't noticed Friday. For the closing song/invitation song, Archer played his acoustic guitar and he and Julia sang. Just them, none of the rest of the group. Of course it was a sober time - reflecting on the message and what it meant for each person - so it was appropriate for that last quiet song to be just those two soothing voices and the gentle guitar. But (and Trissy said she'd noticed it that night) as I watched that video, they seemed so perfect standing there, singing together. And I was painfully reminded how badly I wanted them for each other.
Trissy and I have been praying for quite a while that the Lord would mature them both to their fullest potential for His glory; and that when they're ready, that He would put them together as husband and wife. They're both kindof young still for that, but both have SO much potential for greatness, and they just seem so right for each other.
But when I saw that picture, on top of concern for Law, and adding the song they were singing to the mix, I just started crying - I couldn't help it! Slow tears at first, then as the song went on and grew in intensity and beauty and comfort, I began sobbing so hard I was afraid Trissy could hear me in the next room.
I don't cry much. At all. Now, I'm not ashamed to cry from compassion or love, I just am not usually a weepy person. But I couldn't stop this.
The Lord was the only one who could see me, and the only one I could pour out the concerns of my heart to anyway; certainly the only one who could do anything about it. I shut my bedroom door, and knelt on the floor with my face on the carpet, and cried to God - both from my eyes and from my heart. I begged Him to guide and direct the precious lives of my dear friends - to give Archer and Julia to each other in time, if it was His will; to protect dear Law and give him direction, peace, clarity, and true joy. To call him into active ministry, either as a music leader, preacher, missionary, or some other life of service to the Lord.
Here is the song, "Unfailing Love". I got it off of YouTube, and the recording quality is not the best, but it sounds the closest to Archer and Julia's version:
"You have my heart,
And I am Yours forever.
You are my strength -
God of grace and power.
And everything You hold in Your hand.
Still You make time for me -
I can't understand.
So I praise You, God of earth and sky.
How beautiful is Your unfailing love!
Unfailing love.
And You never change, God You remain
The Holy One -
My unfailing love!
Unfailing love.
You are my rock,
The One I hold on to.
You are my song,
And I sing for You.
And everything You hold in Your hand.
Still You make time for me -
I can't understand.
So I praise You, God of earth and sky.
How beautiful is Your unfailing love!
Unfailing love.
And You never change, God You remain
The Holy One -
My unfailing love!
Unfailing love.
And everything You hold in Your hand.
Still you make time for me -
I can't understand.
So I praise You, God of Earth and sky.
How beautiful is Your unfailing love!
Unfailing love.
And You never change, God You remain
The Holy One -
My unfailing love!
Unfailing love.
I will praise you, God of earth and sky.
How beautiful is your unfailing love!
Unfailing love.
And You never change, God You remain
The Holy One -
My Unfailing love!
Unfailing love.
Unfailing love."
I remembered the verse about God saving our tears in a bottle so I got up to look it up (Psalm 56:8). The next verse seemed so appropriate to the situation as well. I jotted down some more thoughts in my 'Tidbits from Life' journal that I had been reading, and where my tears had landed as they fell:
"'...put Thou my tears into Thy bottle: are they not in Thy book? When I cry unto Thee, then shall my enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me.' Sometimes in my great love and limited knowledge, I think that God must be the only one who loves or could love one I love more than I do. He's the only one whose eyes and heart shed more tears for them than mine do. And therefore, victory is in sight."
I hadn't read out of my devotional book ("Mornings with Jesus 2012: Daily Encouragement for Your Soul" - a Guideposts-published book of 366 devotions by 7 different women) in the morning because, being so tired from the last couple of days before, I had stayed in bed a little longer, saving it to read at night before I went to bed. I reached for the book and opened it to April 29. Here it is:
"
It's the shortest verse in the Bible, but it's depth of meaning is significant. Jesus' dear friend Lazarus is dead. Lazarus' sisters are distraught. They'd seen the Teacher heal so many. Why did this happen? Why couldn't - or didn't - Jesus heal Lazarus? Why didn't He come sooner? Doesn't He care?
When Jesus arrives, Lazarus has already been in the tomb for four days. Martha hears He's coming and heads out to meet Jesus. She wants answers. When Jesus was visiting last time, Martha donned an apron and headed to the kitchen. Knowing her personality, Jesus provides an answer: 'Thy brother shall rise again.' With Martha, Jesus got down to the bottom line.
Mary, on the other hand, is the tenderhearted sister. She was the one found sitting at Jesus' feet in Luke 10:39. When Mary approaches, she asks the same question, but Jesus' response isn't the same. Seeing her weeping He's deeply moved. He cries with her.
Two women, two personalities, yet a Lord Who understands...Who loves them just as they are.
Sometimes I'm like Martha. I want answers. I want an explanation for the hurt and pain. Through reading the Bible and praying, I find hope and comfort. Jesus never lays out the complete picture of how things will work, but He reminds me He's got the situation under control.
Other times I'm more like Mary. I don't need an answer; I simply need to feel Jesus' love. Just like Jesus asked for Mary, Jesus tells me to come, and in my coming I don't need to be ashamed of my tears. In fact, my heart finds a special peace knowing He's weeping with me.
Faith Step: When is the last time you cried? Think back to that moment. Picture Jesus weeping with you. How does that change your view of that circumstance?
Wow.
Though I know it in my heart and He has proved it over and over, I'm continually amazed at how the One Who made and rules the entirety and vastness of the universe would condescend to bend down to my level and - in a tangible way - touch me, reminding me of His pure kindness and indescribable love.
Even little things, like just now, as I was typing that devotional out, I had one side of the book wedged underneath the edge of my laptop to keep it open as I typed. I finished reading and typing the devotional, turned to the computer, and the wedged side of the book slipped free of the laptop and the book flipped closed.
He is holy. He is just. He is love. He is kind. He is in complete control. Praise His name.
SOLI DEO GLORIA!
-Kyrie<><
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