Thoughts On: Dating

A few of weeks ago, the pastor's wife of the church The Grandparents attend told me the teenagers' class on Wednesday night was doing a study on dating, as well as what may be right and what may be wrong with it, and also alternatives to dating. We used to go to that church years ago, and our family friendship goes deep both with the church and with the pastor's family, who used to be missionaries in the same area where Uncle Alvin was at the time. The pastor's wife knows that alot of our family doesn't believe dating is a good practice, and asked me if I would come and talk to the class about our family's thoughts on the subject. I pondered and prayed over it and when it was all said and done, felt like it had gone very well. I hope and pray that the Lord will use it to give the young people that heard a mind of purity and a purpose of righteousness.
I worked so hard on my notes and struggled so hard about wording and how to say what I had to say! The Lord just guided it all, even down to helping me memorize most of it, so that I could make eye contact with the kids and still keep my thoughts collected into the points I wanted to get across, as well as giving me the idea for an illustration using chocolate heart boxes. It pretty much sums up my thoughts on dating.
Here is the lesson:

"I’m Kyrie. I think most of you kind of know me, though I see some faces that are new since I've been here. [The pastor's wife] told me y’all have been discussing dating in your class on Wednesday nights, and asked me to come talk to you about how I and my family approach this idea of dating and relationships.
First off, I want to ask you a question. How many of y’all want to get married one day?

(Most of the class raised their hands.)

Well, I asked [the pastor's twin sons] if they would help me with an illustration I would like to try, so you two can come on up here.
Ok C., it’s a bunch of years from now, say you’re 26, and you’re fixing to get married. So one day the girl you’re going to marry says, 'C., we’re fixing to get married, and I think it’s time I gave my heart to you. After all, you’ll be my husband, and a husband should have his wife’s heart, right? Ok, so here it is.'

(I handed him an empty heart-shaped chocolate box. He took it, and I had him open it. He got kind of a funny look on his face when he saw it was empty.)

What first pops into your mind when you see that empty heart?"

"It’s all gone."

"That’s right. It’s all gone.
'Well,' the girl says, 'I had a boyfriend in Junior High, and I gave a piece to him. Then I gave a piece to my boyfriend in High School, then one to someone else, and to someone else... but the rest is yours! You can have all that’s left!'

(There was a murmur of understanding, and I paused, hoping my point was sinking in.)

Ok J., it's you're turn. You're fixing to get married. One day your fiancee' comes to you and says, 'J., you know we'll be married in a few weeks, and I think it's time I give you my heart. I believe that when a girl gets married, her heart should belong completely to her husband, the one who leads her, and takes care of her. So (I handed him a new and unopened chocolate heart box), here it is. I’ve kept it safe all my life. It’s all there. I’ve kept it away from the other men that have wanted it. Now I’m giving it to you, as new and special as when God gave it to me.'

(I thanked the boys and had them sit down. I'd asked the brothers to help, 'cause I knew the one with the new chocolate box would share with the one who got the empty box :) .)

Can you tell where I’m going with that? Who wants to marry someone who's heart has all been given away to others?!
I once heard someone say that when you're dating, every time you date someone new, you give a tiny piece of your heart away to that person. That goes for girls and guys. Some people have this idea that there are degrees to dating. Some people are 'serious' when they date, come people are just for fun, nothing serious. But the truth is that all dating is serious, in that you are in a 'romantic' relationship with a person, and no matter how innocent it may seem, you are losing some of yourself to that person, and that will leave less to give to the person you will one day marry.
The dating game is a dangerous one to play. Even if a relationship starts out innocent enough, it can lead way too far! I've heard lots of sad stories of young people who have given more than their hearts to the person they were dating. Besides the broken hearts from break-ups, and betrayal and all that drama.
Save yourself that pain.

I work at a school, and one of the young men I'm in charge of is eleven, and he thinks I’m hilarious because I'm in my twenties and I've never had a boyfriend. Now that may seem so boring, so old-fashioned. It may seem like I'm missing out on an exciting life. Let me tell you something: The Bible is old-fashioned – it was written thousands of years ago – and it’s just as current now as at the time it was written! And you believe that, at least to some extent or you wouldn't be here at church now – the reason we have church is because of the Bible!

Maybe I am old-fashioned. I probably am. But I know young men and women who have decided to keep all of themselves for their future husband or wife, and when they marry, are SO glad they did that, instead of 'having fun' like everyone else.

Sometimes when I talk to other teenagers about this idea, they ask me, 'Well, if I don't date, how am I ever going to find someone to marry?' That is a super question, and I would love to be able to say, 'Well, the Bible says to do this.' and there's your simple answer. Well, it has lots of advice on relationships, but as far as I know, the Bible doesn't say anything specifically about how to find the right husband or wife. Probably because in those days, your parents picked who you were going to marry, and you just had to live with it!

But what alot of Christians are doing now as an alternative to dating, is group dating, 'intentional dating', or courting. The idea is to get to know someone you may be interested in – but in a group setting, and ideally in a group of Christian people. One of the dangerous things about dating is that you're alone alot of the time! A guy and a girl alone together is just plain trouble. Even if both of you are completely honorable, removing yourself from that kind of situation is just a smart thing to do. Why do good drivers wear seatbelts? Why do careful construction workers wear hard hats? Well it's not because they're sloppy or careless. It’s to protect them from some fluke accident that might happen.

And just 'cause you’re courting doesn't mean you can never have a conversation without someone listening in. But it means that you don't go anywhere or are never alone together, and you have a 'hands off' mentality – which is the kind of mentality anyone should have even if they are dating.

I have several cousins and friends, both young men and young women, who have courted, and the person they married was the first person they were ever interested in. They will tell you that they are so thankful that they did not go the dating route. Their marriages are exciting, fulfilling, and they are completely in love with their husband or wife. Now, of course that doesn't mean they never have problems. Anytime you get more than one opinion involved in a situation you are going to have little disagreements. But they are trying to do things the way they feel like the Lord wants them to. They started out by praying for a Godly husband or wife, and the Lord led them to the right person. Most of them met at church.

Guys – don't just pick a girl because she looks good. Watch her for a while. Is she just beautiful on the outside? Beautiful girls are everywhere. Or does she have a beautiful spirit too? Do her actions show a love for God and for others too? I read a quote that says, 'A woman should be so lost in God, that a man has to seek Him, in order to find her.' If she jumps at the chance to get you, she may not be a good choice. Pick a girl that will be worthy of your love and sacrifice. Pick a girl that will support you all your lives and work with you in whatever the Lord may call you to do with your life, whether He wants you to be a missionary in Russia, or whether He wants you to be a garbage man! Pick a girl that will love you because you love God and are trying to follow and serve HIM.
And another thing to think about: Be the kind of guy, around all girls, that you wouldn't mind your daughter being around.

Girls – don’t settle for the first cute guy that comes along and acts interested in you. You may not like how this sounds, but take this advice: It's better to be single, than to settle for someone who is just out for a good time, and no commitment. DO NOT, please, I beg you, do not give yourself to someone just because they say they love you and they're good-looking. Don't give yourself away, heart or body, so cheaply. Make him work to get you. And an honorable man will be willing to do what it takes to win you – the right way.
You are special. You are beautiful. Don’t believe Hollywood when they tell you that you have to look a certain way to be beautiful. Those women and girls are just made of plastic surgery and Photoshop. And ten-to-one if you asked one, they would tell you they have a miserable life. God made you to complete a man – one man! God made woman because He saw that man was alone and needed someone special. If your 'guy' doesn’t treasure and honor you like GOD does, dump him. Dump him! Now that may sound cruel, and you may say, 'But oh I love him! I couldn’t live without him!' Let me ask you something: Will that guy love you sixty years from now when you're old and wrinkled? When you're not pretty anymore, not healthy, not always able to give him what he wants? Does he love you because you love God, and he does too? Does he love God more than he loves you? That's the kind of man worth waiting for.

Guys, be that kind of man. Girls need that kind of men around. Even if they're not interested in you in 'that' way, having Godly men around is a comfort and encouragement.

I'm thankful for what I'm hearing about some of you guys here. Thank you. Keep going. Become a man that a girl will be thankful to be married to one day.

Well, [the pastor's wife] said I had 5 – 10 minutes, and I think I've about used that up :) so I'll quit. If any of you have any questions about courting or this topic in general, that I haven't really answered here in what I've just said, come ask me and I'll try my best to answer them."

As I was leaving church later, five or six of the boys were out playing basketball in a corner of the parking lot. As I passed going to my car, one called out, "That was good!" and several of the others chimed in, agreeing with him. It really encouraged me, and I hope and pray my efforts were used to encourage and challenge the whole group.