What? How?

A few weeks ago, an old acquaintance came through the drive-thru of the restaurant with her young daughter. It was so nice to see her, and since the other customers had all been served, I got to stand and chat with her a few minutes, catching up a little since the last time I'd seen her.

She asked me how things were going with me, and I gave her a brief run-down on how 'life' is right now. I still work at the Christian Academy, I've been working at the restaurant for a little more than a year, I give piano lessons, I'm very involved with my church, I still enjoy living in the country, no I don't have (or want) a boyfriend, etc., etc. Would I change some things about my life if I could? Well, yeah, probably. But all in all, I'm very content with my life right now.

Her response was not what I expected. 'That's really great - I think most people your age would love to be able to say that they're content with their lives.'

We talked a few more minutes, then her food came and we said good-bye.
I wondered if she was content with her life.

But in the last couple of days (literally, since like Jan. 3 - yesterday), I've realized, I can't say that any more. I'm not satisfied with my life. When I said it to her, it was every bit true, and as I said it and realized just how true it was, I rejoiced in it! Especially after her encouraging and thought-provoking remark.

But it's not true any more. I guess this has been building for a few weeks, maybe even a few months. Certainly a few days. Reading "Radical" I know has been a big part of it, among other things.

I'm not 'rich', certainly. My family isn't 'rich', by American standards. But we sure are richer than most of the world. To most of the world, we might as well be millionaires.

We live in a nice clean double-wide trailer that's paid for, has central heat and air, doesn't leak, has clean, running, hot or cold water, multiple rooms, and adequate furnishings. We eat three satisfying and healthy meals a day, and could snack too, if we wanted. There's food in the pantry and freezer for future use. Every person in our family has a vehicle. Every person in our family has graduated from high school and has at least some college education. We have all the clothing we need, and plenty more. Dad has a job and I have several little jobs that brings in income. Not alot, either of them (and mine even smaller), but they are sufficient.
We are richer than 90% of the world.

And I am not satisfied. I am not content.
I am not content, because I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what God wants me to do about it. I know I can't be idle and do nothing. But I don't know what I should do.

Compared to the world, my life is great! Not having ever known any other kind of life, sometimes there are hardships that seem big to me; but they are pitifully small and insignificant when compared to the hardships of most of the people in the world my own age. But I have all these privileges and resources that others need! I could do with so much less, and still be 'comfortable'! I could give away so much of my stuff to people who really need it!
But my dilemma is that I don't know how to get it to them! I don't personally know anybody that could honestly benefit from my stuff if I gave it to them. And I don't want to give it away just to get rid of it. I don't want to 'throw it away' on people who really don't need it any more than I do. I want to bless someone with it. Change someone's life. Show them the love of Jesus.

Or if I could sell my things, I could donate the money. But I don't want to have a garage sale or put the items in a consignment shop or anything like that. They'd just sell for 'peanuts', to borrow an expression. In other words, they wouldn't sell for as much as they're worth. And if I'm going to get rid of these (some of them treasured) possessions, I want them to do the most good.

If I had more money, I could financially support ministries and missions around the world. Two of my uncles and their families are missionaries. Many, many, friends are. And my family is familiar with many other credible, Godly, efficient organizations that minister to both the physical and the spiritual needs of needy people around the world. If I had a better-paying job, I could do more that way.
I don't make enough money to live on my own. Yes, I still live with my parents, something I (under the stigma of a non-self-supporting adult child in American culture without a spouse or 'good' job) am ashamed of. And though my parents insist they don't mind, it bothers me nonetheless. I want a better job! Even if I don't live on my own, I'd like to be able to make enough to give back to the family what I 'take'! I'd like to know I could live on my own and support myself if I needed to. Then any surplus (after setting a strict budget for myself and keeping only what I'd need to live on) could be used for others.

But here's another thing. I think the Lord may be urging me to quit working at the restaurant. Which makes NO sense!! Besides my co-workers that I'm finally beginning to build relationships with, in the hopes of leading them to Christ, and the customers that I get to smile at and hopefully witness to, one less job means one less paycheck. Less money = less... Well, just less! Less to spend on others. Less to use to travel for mission work. Less to live on, ones self. Less to contribute to worthy causes. Less to help missionaries with. Less to put into savings for later use.
But on the other hand, less 'work' (no job) = more time. And the old saying is that 'time is money'. Time is valuable too.
But if you have no money to do anything with, your time is worthless!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Whew. Yes, I am in a delimma. And yes, I am having a conversation with myself. And no, I do not know what the Lord wants me to do. And yes, I am discontent.

And I'm struggling with big questions. Like, is my life really worth anything?
Ok, maybe I should rephrase that: What of true value do I have to show for my time here on this earth?
Have I made a real, valuable, difference in anyone's life? Have I led anyone to the salvation of knowing Christ? Have I helped any Christian closer to God? Have I kept anyone from death?
What do I have to show, to look back on with contentment, from the part of my life I've already lived, that my God could look at with me and say, "Well done."? Anything?
And what is the rest of my life supposed to look like? What is it's purpose? The future. What does He want me to do?

I try to seek His Word for answers. I keep thinking of verses like, 'Blessed are the poor in spirit...', 'He hath showed thee, oh man, what is good ... to do justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with thy God.', 'If you have done it for one of the least of these, you have done it unto Me', 'Pure religion is this: to care for orphans and widows and to keep ones self unspotted from the world.', 'Honor thy father and thy mother', 'Be ye kind, one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another...', and many more [Note: The above are not exact quotes, but paraphrases as they go through my mind]. There is plenty in the Bible that tells me what to do, but I'm at a loss as to how to do some of it.

What? How? And when?

Yes, I am afraid. I am afraid. I might as well admit it, since you've already probably guessed... I'm a wimp.
I don't want to end up at the 'ends of the earth', where there is no sanitation, no privacy, no safety, and no Christian fellowship.
I don't know that that's what He wants me to do. But I have to take it into consideration.

And life right now... It's not what it should be.

"I don't know what it is He wants me to do, but to do nothing is not an option."