Being A Servant When It's Not 'Fun'

Today marks one month since The Grandmother fell. Thankfully, she did not break any bones, but she did get pretty bruised up, and was in such pain that she had to stay in her easy-chair for about the first two-and-a-half weeks. Before she fell, she and The Grandfather did quite well living on their own. The Grandfather is handicapped, due to his feet being frozen in World War II, and almost completely dependent. The Grandmother was quite spry and able to care for both of them, with periodical help throughout any given week. But since she's been "out of commission", they have both been completely dependent, and the four of us (Dad, Mom, Trissy, and me) have pretty much been living here with them for the past four weeks.

It has been wonderful to get to spend time together, with great opportunities to help and serve. But, I must admit, it has been very difficult at times. I think I have come to respect my parents during this time, perhaps more than at any other time in my life. For one thing, I'm older and can understand implications that I could not when I was younger and life just 'happened', without me considering all that it takes to make the world go 'round! For another thing, the old saying, "Actions speak louder than words" is so, so true. I have seen my parents demonstrate selflessness, love, patience, respect, service, and humility toward my Grandparents consistently through these past few weeks. There have been many unpleasant tasks that had to be done, late hours that had to be kept. Meals are 'involved', requiring consideration for specialized servings and preparation. Mornings are an ordeal, getting each one prepared for the day, and evenings are even more difficult, reversing the process, plus other things that must be done to prepare for the night. Little tasks that healthy people don't even think about, from getting dressed and brushing teeth, to eating solid foods and moving from one room to the next, are major undertakings. But Dad and Mom have done it all, without complaining. I did not say, without weariness, without struggle. But neither one of them have wished out loud that they didn't have to do some difficult task, have snapped back at an impatient moment, or have acted like they were feeling sorry for themselves or that they thought others should be feeling sorry for them. Sweet Trissy has been the same way. Their example has really been a challenge to me when I've felt like sighing, snapping, or feeling sorry for myself.

Often, in the last couple of weeks especially, I have just wanted to go back to our house again – to clean my room, to work in the yard, to get into some craft projects, to get back our routine, for things to get ‘back to normal’.

But what bothers me most, is that I am able to stay calm and even gracious during hectic times at work, or how I look forward to service and ministry opportunities on church trips or work days, but I have such a hard time keeping a cheerful spirit when it comes to serving my own family. That's not right, but I don't know exactly what to do about it - it's just one of the difficult 'facts about me' that I deal with. I'm praying the Lord will show me how to reconcile the two, and then help me implement the answer.

I keep reminding myself of the principles in the Bible, that being a servant is the most glorified position in Scripture, that 'giving' is more blessed than 'receiving', and that whoever would be first, must first be last. But, humanly speaking, it's still difficult.

A dear friend said about a year ago to someone else, in my presence, "Kyrie's like the Energizer Bunny - could go on all day." Another dear friend used me as an example, only about a month ago, of how a Christian should be - someone who's cheerful and smiling, and I heard about it.
Several times in the last few days/weeks, those two things have been what's kept me going. The thought of 'letting down' those two precious people, in a way, even though they wouldn't find out, spurred me on and gave me determination to not give in to the impatience, drudgery, or exhaustion. Or being bone-tired and remembering those comments, and thinking, "But I'm not, I'm not - I'm weak!", and asking the Lord to help me live up to what they think of me.

And today, I was so irritated, just wanting to get outside in the fresh air and sunshine for a little while, thinking, 'I'm worn out; I am absolutely physically exhausted.' Suddenly this verse blew into my thoughts like a fresh breeze:

"My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." Ps. 73:26

The point remains, being a servant isn't always 'fun'. It's not always glamorous. There aren't always going to be friends to goof off with to make the time pass while sharing the work. There won't always be an 'audience', even a small one, to bestow a pat on the back and say, "You're doing such a great job!" Being a servant isn't always 'fun'; but it's right.

Thank You, Lord.

Note: Uncle Alvin's were down for a visit, and Jaylyn, Jewel, their oldest sister's oldest son, Trissy, and I all got to spend the afternoon outside, working in the garden, playing a little basketball, petting our new kittens, bicycle riding, and playing "Cranium" in The Grandparents' front yard. It was wonderful!

The Honor And The Dread

I'm in a quandry. I'm both touched, and irritated. Expectant, and dreading. Feeling honored, and feeling disgruntled.

In less than three months, another couple from our wonderful set of church college friends will have 'tied the knot'. Lindy and Toby have their wedding date set for August 10th, and dear Lindy is moving through preparations in between finishing school, plans for starting her new teaching job, summer mission trips, etc. Moving through, as in, calmly stressing out. I know that sounds strange, but that's pretty much how she is! She's not very picky at all, she mainly wants to plan things so that other people involved will enjoy it and be happy. Dear Lindy! So self-deprecating, so strong and yet so sweet and considerate! Last night after church, she was talking to Trissy and me about deciding on bridesmaids dresses, and finally said, 'I don't even really care! I'd like them to be this same color and the skirts basically be the same style and length, but I just want my bridesmaids to wear dresses and stand up there with me!'

Which... leads me to why I'm feeling so... glum.
Wednesday night after church, Lindy asked Trissy and me to be two of her bridesmaids.
Which is a huge honor! But... I don't want to be a bridesmaid! *Big sigh*
I've been so happy how I've been able to 'dodge that bullet' so far. I wasn't in Oliver and his wife's, Justice and Noel's, or Austin and Ava's weddings, but got to be at all of them (two of which were quite a distance away). I was in Aron and Henley's wedding, playing the piano. I was in Nicole and her husband's wedding, playing the piano. I've been at many of my cousin's weddings, but only part of two - once as a photographer and once as a server. All those were fine, all those were great, and even fun! Every time, I've been so happy that no one ever asked me to be a bridesmaid!

Y'all are probably thinking I'm a complete idiot right about now. Yeah, I'm kind of feeling like it too. Sorry. I know I probably sound absolutely ridiculous and silly. I know it's considered a great honor to be asked to be in a wedding. I just. don't. want. to be. a bridesmaid.

I've never been a fancy, frilly, pearls-and-lace kind of person. I have a very down-to-earth, simple, take-me-or-leave-me, slightly vintage, old-fashioned, style. I don't spend much time on my hair. I have about three styles and that's it - pony tail, braid, or messy bun, with a sort of twist thing I do with my bangs to get them off my forehead when it's hot. I don't have pierced ears, I have only two necklaces I sometimes wear, simply as a tribute to the sweet young girl who gave them to me, and I have two rings I wear (a silver purity ring and my graduation ring). I don't like jewelry and pretty much don't wear it. I don't wear make-up at all. Never have, never plan to. I don't paint my fingernails or toenails, or go to have them done by somebody else either! I don't wear high-heeled shoes, and I don't look forward to dress-up occasions.
So, if you didn't know me, now you have a little bit of an idea of my personal style. Or, what's not my personal style.

And maybe you still think I'm over-reacting about this whole bridesmaid thing. But that's just the way it is. I think about it and I groan. Just things like, getting my hair done (What kind of style will be expected? Will it have to be something all fancy? Will it require hairspray? Ugh.), will I be expected to get my nails done (I cringe to think about my fingernails painted, and I know I don't want anyone touching my feet!)? Maybe I can wear closed shoes so at least my toenails won't be a problem... Have I got to wear heels? Or jewelry? Fear of fears, will they want me to wear make-up? I wouldn't have the first clue about putting it on! But if I use that excuse, will someone say, "Oh, I can do it for you!" Ew, no thanks.
Sweet Lindy's gone to great lengths to be considerate in the area of the dresses. To cut down significantly on the cost, she picked out a satin fabric and bought patterns so we can make them instead of buying them. Her mom can sew, and Mom can too. She's made sure the dress patterns can be 'tweaked' to fit with our convictions of modesty.

I'm not really concerned about the dress I'll have to wear. I think it's just going to end up being a simple, kind of classy, satin affair. It's other little things, like, 'If I'm on the stage, I can't be taking pictures!' Or, 'I don't want to have to be so dolled up that I wouldn't recognize myself if I looked in the mirror, or worse, that no one else would recognize me either!'
Worst of all, my biggest groan, my greatest dread, is, 'Who will they pair me up with as far as groomsmen?' That's the one that really bothers me. If you know me at all, you know I'm not interested in guys. Not like that. What if they pair me up with some single friend of Toby's that I've never even heard of? Or even one of our single college friends? That wouldn't be as bad, but it sure would be awkward! Maybe Austin will be in it and they'll put me with him - one of my 'brothers' and best, already claimed!

Even as I type, I'm realizing how silly this all sounds. Even sillier than when I was saying it in my head. The thing is though, that it's all very real. I'm just being honest. That's the problem with silly worries. They're still real concerns. It's not so easy to just argue them away by saying, "You worry too much! It'll all work out!" or, "Oh, you're just over-thinking this whole thing! It's not going to be that bad when it gets here." or the worst one, "It'll all be over in just a few hours and then you can forget all about it." Uh, no-o! There will be pictures! I'll never forget it! Neither will anyone else!

Goodness. I do know one thing is true - I am worrying too much. Whatever happens, I should not be stressing out so much over it. That won't change anything except raise my blood-pressure.
It might end up being my worst nightmare. Or, sweet Lindy knowing me as well as she does, she might have realized I'd be thinking about all this and it might end up being an absolutely wonderful, comfortable, enjoyable experience!

Precious Lindy - one of Trissy's and my best friends! And dearest Toby! I could not hurt them by turning this honor down. Yet how I wish I could beg Lindy to let me pass out programs or something instead :\ !

Well, guess that's all I know for now. Stay tuned for further developments.

"5 Small Things Friday" No. 84

Go back and read this post for the story behind "Five Small Things Friday".

For this week, here is my list:

1. Sight: Fireflies

2. Hearing: Tractor

3. Smell: Country Air

4. Taste:

5. Touch: Breeze

The stories behind the list:

1., 2., and 3. Yesterday evening I took some of our vegetable trimmings and food scraps out to the compost. I went through the front yard but left the front light off, and when I stepped out onto the porch, the gentle night breeze blew refreshingly into my face and made me forget for a minute how tired I was. I breathed deeply of the sweet, cool, spring air. It smelled of rain, growing grass, damp earth, and fresh-cut hay. A big John Deere tractor moved steadily back and forth through the field across the dirt lane that runs in front of The Grandparents' house, it's single powerful headlight casting a swatch of friendly day in front of the busy machine. Mom's cousin, who farms most of the land around us, was gathering the last of the big round hay rolls that remained from the week of frantic baling between rainstorms.
I stepped out into the yard, and looked up at the clouds through the leaves of the two pecan trees as I walked across the cool grass. The clouds promised to rain again, but a handful of brave stars twinkled through. As I walked and looked, I thought my eyes tricked me at first, glancing quickly as I was, when I saw a tiny flash of light against the dark of the leaves. But then I saw several more around in the yard, and realized they were fireflies!

4.

5.