{Note: As a Christian and/or as a human, do you ever just get tired? Below is an entry from my journal on Dec. 6, 2015, when I was really feeling it. You may or may not get some of the references, but I need to remember that day, how I felt, and how the Lord is still coming through for me. Above is a reminder I captured on the mission trip I took to Seattle this summer.}
Why is existence so hard? Is it even worth it? Every day almost, it seems, I am more and more aware of my 'stranger status' here in this foreign land. It is hard, so hard, to keep in mind the image of this tiny red mark at the tip of the earth-encircling rope. The red mark seems so long when traveling it.
I am tired, so tired. And if I, then how much more must those long in the way be?
I am in a constant resistance with discouragement, with sadness, with frustration, with anger, and with exhaustion. I seem drowning in these things, and in the utter vastness of the job before me, before all true Christians. But where are, and who are, the true Christians? I can trust no one. All are unstable. All are satisfied in their own ideas, whether Biblical or not. I am in a fight for myself, to become more the Christian that God would have me to be; I am in a fight against Satan's work in the world; and I am in a fight against Satan's work in the church.
I am swallowed up in an invisible cloud; in the center of a bubble from which I cannot escape. If I could but get out and turn around and look on it I think I would see that it is a small inky blot in a vast expanse of gloriously clear air. Like Bilbo getting to the top of the tree and seeing the butterflies above Mirkwood, yet having to descend back into the poisonous darkness, I know there is cleanness and beauty from God's view, but I struggle to keep faith in that view of Light, while I am smothering in the murky darkness.
Tonight Bro. Earl said that in the men's prayer time this afternoon, he prayed for us (Victory Rd.) to have victory in our spiritual lives, so that we may find the freedom and joy and power to live Spirit-filled lives. The timing, for me at least, is absolutely just right.
And he asked, as a challenge, that us as his Sunday night group pray this for the church as well, that a wild-fire of spiritual victory would sweep the church. Oh how it is needed!
